I have this recurring tidal wave dream where it demolishes everything in sight but I always seem to be on higher ground, not being swept away. I always wake up terrified though- it’s always a very scary dream, one where I never really feel safe. The other morning, I had this dream where I was actually swimming in the ocean and there was this huge wave and I got really scared. I started swimming for dear life. I swam so hard, harder then I’ve ever swam in my life. And guess what? I made it through the wave to the other side. When I saw it crash on the shore and saw where I was, I was astounded. I thought to myself, “yeah, I did it!”
We’re finally in that overly hopeful place. We’ve succumbed to fertility drugs and I guess the medical intervention will give us what we need to make this thing happen already. There really is no other reason that they could see. Everyone wants to blame it on the stress, being scared, blah blah blah, but seriously, there are so many subsequent pregnancies happening right now to babylost parents and I know they are all going through what I am. So really, it is what it is.
The monthly torture we experience every time the stick doesn’t give us that answer we want has become part of the routine of our life. I’ve become accustomed to the disappointment. This month is different – I don’t feel quite so helpless anymore. I know there are people working with us and for us, helping us make this happen.
I’ve been trying not to focus on the future dates and times of all of what we’re going through. It’s hard to not notice anniversaries or even recognize the big one quickly approaching. All along, since probably October, I assumed I’d be pregnant by spring, no problem. Well, summer is almost over and I’m not. It has caused me more stress on top of the stress of not having my baby here with me. This uncertainty, before Silas’ looming birth/death date approaches, is scaring the shit out of me.
I’m working on that though. Back when we had birthdays, mother’s/father’s day and the tree planting, I was tortured about it all for weeks ahead of time. I know that worrying, the projections and all the expectations of what *should* be at a certain time were really just making me more crazy. It has caused me more grief and tons more pain.
Taking each day as it comes is my focus. It’s been my focus for a while now, I guess ever since beginning this whole fertility testing stuff. It has taken a huge weight off of my shoulders but could possibly lead to greater disappointment in the long run. I’m not putting all my eggs in this months basket (so to speak- ha!) but we are more hopeful then ever. I have even started taking my pre-natals again- sheesh. I can’t even believe it.
The extra hormones in my body are definitely causing me to have those emotional highs and lows for sure. But really, given what we’ve been through, I feel like I can handle all of it- the disappointment yet again, the queasy feeling in my stomach every day- I just don’t feel myself. But then I look at my life these past 10 1/2 months and I haven’t been myself for quite a while. I don’t even know what myself is anymore.
I had debated whether to write about the fertility stuff or just keep it private. I know there are a lot of people out there sharing every detail of their journey. That wasn’t really my plan. I wanted to share how I was getting through this grieving process. But now, almost a year later, it has become our focus. Hence, my own blog.
Obviously missing Silas is always part of it, but I also need this to go forward. I want to parent a living, breathing child more then anything in the whole world. It is a huge step to take, to acknowledge that Silas will never be with me physically. I want to begin to associate him with the joy in my life. And being pregnant with his sibling will bring me more joy (along with fear of course) then I can even imagine in my life right now.
37 comments
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August 7, 2009 at 3:48 am
Sally
What a beautiful way to start your very own space. I’m thrilled to be the first to stop by. I’m with you all the way Lani, and wishing for much brighter days ahead. Don’t ever let go of hope.
xo
August 7, 2009 at 4:03 am
Paige
I love the new blog, mama! You sound strong in this post, Lani. Really strong. I know you might not feel it, but it’s in there. What an incredible dream, too. I’m here for the ride, holding your hand, looking forward to the day we will meet Silas’ baby brother or sister. I know it will come, I just know it will. xo
August 7, 2009 at 4:31 am
jaimie Rosen
Love the new blog. Love you more.
xo. j
August 7, 2009 at 5:46 am
Catherine
Beautiful.
Silas might never be with you physically but he will always, always be with you.
Hoping, praying and wishing for that joy to come. xx
August 7, 2009 at 8:33 am
mirne
You sound positive … you sound like you’re looking to the future. That’s awesome!! Great new blog.
August 7, 2009 at 11:55 am
Amy
I had a dream over a year ago about a tidal wave. I was in a big box store, but in my dream there were windows. Everyone in the store was running around, screaming, trying to escape. I just stood there wondering why they were wasting their time and energies running. The wave was huge and heading right at us, and just before it hit I thought “I hope it is fast and painless…” THen I woke up.
So much of what you wrote in this expresses where I am at too. Sometimes I wonder if I should go the way of fertility testing and drugs. I guess I’ve let pessimism sink to deeply into my heart to believe our outcome would be positive.
I hope the fertility treatments work for you sooner rather than later.
August 7, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Cassidy
“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.”
-Albert Einstein
“Here’s wishing you the bluest skies,
And hoping something better comes tomorrow.
Hoping all the verses rhyme,
And the very best of choruses, too”
-The Kinks, “Better Things”
August 7, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Angie
Lani, your blog is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your words and insights in this phase of the process. Beautiful meditating mama you are.
August 7, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Debbie W.
Lani, you are as amazing now as you were 20+ years ago, I feel honored to know you. I am thinking about you and sending good vibes your way. There is so much hope and you have come so far. Much love to you and Chris.
August 7, 2009 at 1:37 pm
poppy
It was a huge hurdle for us to try fertility drugs. Getting past that mind-block was not easy. Welcome to the world of your own blog, and wishing you luck and peace.
August 7, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Carly
Lani,
Beautiful to see your blog. I gasped as i read your first paragraph. I have had many dreams of tidal waves – yet I survive them all.
Wishing you the joy that you so deserve.
All my love, Carly x
August 7, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Sylvie
You deserve that joy, Lani, and you’ll get it! Congrats on your own space!
August 7, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Erica
Beautiful post, Lani. And I love your sunflower. I hope the fertility drugs work soon, and I’m glad to hear that you’re feeling more hopeful. Keeping you in my thoughts.
August 7, 2009 at 5:44 pm
Ya Chun
sounds like you have reached a good emotional space for you. sorry the fert meds aren’t helping in that regard, but I really hope that they help in the way they are suppose to! I think being on prenatals helps too, because if your body was lacking anything, it may effect egg production etc.
Glad you’ve got your own place now, right next to ECD!
August 7, 2009 at 10:39 pm
sweetsalty kate
Oh I’m so glad to see you here. I’ve wanted to hear more from you for a long time. The only bit that made me want to shower you both with love was the word ‘succumbed’. You’re accepting. You’re discovering. You’re stretching out beyond what’s familiar. You’re accessing all the resources available to you because you’re both passionate parents and you’re ready.
All these are good and productive and sensible things. There ought to be no regret in it. I know it’s not an easy path, and it’s disappointing to medicalize a process that we’ve been taught is frightfully bankable since grade seven.
But it’s good. It’s productive and sensible. I’m so happy for you both.
xo
August 7, 2009 at 10:48 pm
livingintherainbow
Infertility and stillbirth is such a burden thank you for sharing. I hope you get a baby to love and hold and see grow up soon. And that you find a way to accept the passing of your son Silas as impossible as this seems.
I too have lost a baby – my daughter Abigail last October. We too have suffered with infertility and were told last week we would never conceive natually. But (and a huge one it is too) we have a 4 year old son who we are sooooo grateful for.
God bless
Michael
http://www.livingintherainbow.com
August 7, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Inanna
Hoping with you…
August 8, 2009 at 2:55 am
Tricia M.
Lani-
I love the blog! You will continue to be in our prayers and we will continue to send wishes for wonderful things your way! Sending hope for happiness to you and Chris-
Tricia
August 8, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Mariah
Thanks for sharing your blog with us Lani! I love it. I’ll continue to send good vibes to you and Chris. XOXO
August 9, 2009 at 1:43 am
Cs
I have written the same comment in response to both of your entries time and time again, but I have to say it one more time, your strength, your ability to honor the past but look to the future and maintain day to day is inspiring. I look forward to reading elm city mom and all the wonderful news and beautiful words about Silas Im sure it will bring.
August 9, 2009 at 8:54 am
Rachel
Just know there is someone in the world, far away in Tas! Smiling and hoping and seeing that ‘pic’ ‘in my head where you will be holding your new babe : )
August 9, 2009 at 2:10 pm
afteriris
Love the new blog Lani, I’m looking forward to reading x
August 9, 2009 at 9:15 pm
keira
“I want to begin to associate him with the joy in my life.”
Still thinking about this line–days later.
Sending you and Chris lots of love!
August 10, 2009 at 1:21 am
Mel
I am so glad to find you in your new home–your home away from home? And to keep hearing your voice as well as Chris’s.
August 10, 2009 at 1:54 am
Ezra's Mommy
congrats on the new blog lani, right there with you on this journey
August 10, 2009 at 1:14 pm
Chickenpig
This was a beautiful post. A very good way to start a new blog. You’re strength and hope moving forward is inspiring. I will be following your progress, even if I don’t say anything. I’ll be hanging on your words and hoping you have a living sibling for Silas.
August 10, 2009 at 2:45 pm
loribeth
Wishing you luck with the fertility treatments, and with the new blog! Both you & Chris are wonderful writers; thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us. I love the sunflower header!
August 10, 2009 at 4:09 pm
tash
Lovely that you have your own blog now.
Infertility on top of (wrapped around) infant loss is really a kick in the teeth — believe me, I know. It’s a whole added stress and adventure and journey, and sometimes it’s hard to unweave the strands of grief and sort out what it is your really upset about. It’s one big ball of yeeechh.
Waiting with you, and as always, thinking of Silas.
August 10, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Kristina
Hi Lani.
You deserve, at the very least, to be able to associate Silas with the joy in your life. Taking life one day at a time sounds like a fine plan! Good luck with the fert drugs-here’s to hoping the hormones don’t make you too ill or funky feeling and I will be sending healthy pregnant vibes your way! Thanks for continuing to share your journey with us. ((HUGS))
August 11, 2009 at 11:59 am
Stacey
I have been a long time follower of Elm City Dad. I am so excited for your new blog. You both are such talented writers. As a babyloss mama my self (lost my son on August 1, 2008) who just entered “trying” mode, I am wishing you nothing but the best on your journey to second time motherhood…I am rooting for both of us.
Stacey
August 11, 2009 at 1:14 pm
marie
Admiring your bravery, and wishing you luck
Think of you and Chris often
Much love
Keira’s Ma
Marie
August 11, 2009 at 8:37 pm
bc
The new blog is great i too have been wanting to hear more from you. Heres to many babies to cuddle in your future.
August 11, 2009 at 9:33 pm
WG
Good luck! You are both healthy and young and it will happen for you.
I am 38 and just got prego again two months ago – but just miscarried at 9 weeks. Yet, we will try again in October. Eventually we will go to the drugs if that doesn’t work. I am hoping I won’t have to go through IUI or IVF, being that my hubby isn’t too crazy about all of that. Having a difficult husband doesn’t help, since like you, I want a baby SOOOOO badly. The thought of getting older without one really makes me sad. And I see everyone around me giving birth.
One of the Baldwin bros’ wives had a baby today and she is 39. SO those things always help to hear.
Please keep writing…
August 12, 2009 at 2:43 am
Christa
I love your new blog space. I am sending peace, hope and love to you now and always. xoxox
August 12, 2009 at 9:27 am
Tracy
Your new blog is beautiful and this first post represents how far you have come in the healing process. You sound hopeful, strong and grounded. I am so proud of you Lani. I know you have heard this over and over, but your strength amazes me. All my love…
August 12, 2009 at 1:18 pm
mamaliza
so good to see this new blog of yours lani.
as usual and i’m so with you. lev’s one year day is quickly approaching and i had hoped that i would be pg again with his sibling. but after many months of trying and one round of fertility treatment it hasn’t happened. loss upon loss. this journey sucks, but we are surviving each moment.
sending you love and luck
xo
August 12, 2009 at 5:07 pm
DZ
The thought of never having a child really scares me. I am your age, 38. Almost 39. Lost my first, then just had a miscarriage. Since I just conceived I won’t go to the fertility drugs yet, but in the back of my mind I am figuring that I will start ivf next June if I have to…but who wants to inject all that stuff in your body and have surgery and probably go through at least 3 cycles? Not I. Plus insurance doesn’t cover it so the drugs alone will cost thousands.
The good news is that you and I have some things going for us. We are healthy. You do yoga, which sure can’t hurt! You are with a younger guy (hey, it helps slightly). And there are many success stories.
Please share with us what you learn along the way, because every bit helps. I will share what I learn.
What do you think of acupuncture? Usually I am suspicious of that sort of thing, but people swear by it. I guess if I do ivf I will do some acu too.