I have this recurring tidal wave dream where it demolishes everything in sight but I always seem to be on higher ground, not being swept away.  I always wake up terrified though- it’s always a very scary dream, one where I never really feel safe. The other morning, I had this dream where I was actually swimming in the ocean and there was this huge wave and I got really scared. I started swimming for dear life. I swam so hard, harder then I’ve ever swam in my life. And guess what? I made it through the wave to the other side. When I saw it crash on the shore and saw where I was, I was astounded. I thought to myself, “yeah, I did it!”

We’re finally in that overly hopeful place. We’ve succumbed to fertility drugs and I guess the medical intervention will give us what we need to make this thing happen already.  There really is no other reason that they could see. Everyone wants to blame it on the stress, being scared, blah blah blah, but seriously, there are so many subsequent pregnancies happening right now to babylost parents and I know they are all going through what I am. So really, it is what it is.

The monthly torture we experience every time the stick doesn’t give us that answer we want has become part of the routine of our life.  I’ve become accustomed to the disappointment. This month is different – I don’t feel quite so helpless anymore. I know there are people working with us and for us, helping us make this happen.

I’ve been trying not to focus on the future dates and times of all of what we’re going through. It’s hard to not notice anniversaries or even recognize the big one quickly approaching. All along, since probably October, I assumed I’d be pregnant by spring, no problem. Well, summer is almost over and I’m not. It has caused me more stress on top of the stress of  not having my baby here with me. This uncertainty, before Silas’ looming birth/death date approaches, is scaring the shit out of me.

I’m working on that though. Back when we had birthdays, mother’s/father’s day and the tree planting, I was tortured about it all for weeks ahead of time.  I know that worrying, the projections and all the expectations of what *should* be at a certain time were really just making me more crazy. It has caused me more grief and tons more pain.

Taking each day as it comes is my focus. It’s been my focus for a while now, I guess ever since beginning this whole fertility testing stuff. It has taken a huge weight off of my shoulders but could possibly lead to greater disappointment in the long run. I’m not putting all my eggs in this months basket (so to speak- ha!) but we are more hopeful then ever. I have even started taking my pre-natals again- sheesh. I can’t even believe it.

The extra hormones in my body are definitely causing me to have those emotional highs and lows for sure. But really, given what we’ve been through, I feel like I can handle all of it- the disappointment yet again, the queasy feeling in my stomach every day- I just don’t feel myself. But then I look at my life these past 10 1/2 months and I haven’t been myself for quite a while. I don’t even know what myself is anymore.

I had debated whether to write about the fertility stuff or just keep it private. I know there are a lot of people out there sharing every detail of their journey. That wasn’t really my plan. I wanted to share how I was getting through this  grieving process. But now, almost a year later, it has become our focus. Hence, my own blog.

Obviously missing Silas is always part of it, but I also need this to go forward. I want to parent a living, breathing child more then anything in the whole world. It is a huge step to take, to acknowledge that Silas will never be with me physically.  I want to begin to associate him with the joy in my life. And being pregnant with his sibling will bring me more joy (along with fear of course) then I can even imagine in my life right now.

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