Congrats to my dear friends Sally & Simon who have been on this journey with us since the beginning.  Little Angus was born this morning and everyone is doing great. Send some warm wishes their way!

The rain is not helping. I’m having one of those melancholy days where I just feel helpless & hopeless and nothing is making it better. It’s been a quiet day, taught a few classes but sat at my computer most of the day getting some much needed work done. It seems like I always have work to do to keep this business successful. I think it just takes me a lot longer these days to get shit done.

What happens is my mind wanders to what should have been, what could have been, what isn’t and I feel defeated. I can’t help it. I know I have lots of joy and good things going on. But deep down, I’m still sad & heart broken and I feel like there is no way to fix it.

All the yoga, therapy, exercise, tv & kitty snuggling won’t change a bit. When Chumby curls up in my arms in the morning, I love and hate it at the same time. I always think “this should be my baby, my little Silas.”

I try to snap out of it and accept the sweet smells and purrs of my snuggly kitty but it’s so damn hard. Most of the time I can take all the love she has for me and allow it to ease some of the pain. But not always.

I look at every child I teach these days, and think how badly I want one. How far it is from my reach.

We’re almost at 2 yrs since conceiving Silas. We are not anywhere closer then we were before. I feel even further from being a mom. Pretty much every babylost mama I met here in blogland who lost babies around the same time as me, is pregnant. Some, like Sally, are just about to have their 2nd baby. Their rainbow baby. I am thrilled for them, of course. More then anyone else really, these subsequent pregnancies give me hope too. But I feel like the last man standing and it’s really lonely over here.

These days I am feeling good physically- I’ve lost most of the weight, I’m feeling stronger then ever, and I’m making an effort. When I look deep within though, I still feel so broken. My therapist would disagree, she feels like I have come such a long way from when I started seeing her. But I feel stagnant. I go through the motions, day in and day out, doing what I am “supposed” to be doing – what a normal person does. But it is all a facade.

I am shattered and have no clue how to make it better. Chris and I cling to each other- all we have is each other in this and sometimes we feel like we’re drowning from the weight of it all. From having to go through each day, putting one foot in front of the other.

We decided to take a break from the fertility stuff. It was too much and very stressful. We’re going the natural route- acupuncture, herbs, and then hoping for the best. We’ll re-evaluate in the new year and see where that takes us. It feels like the right decision for us now, though I am tired of hoping.

Today is just one of those days. It’s cold and rainy, just like my mood. Luckily, tomorrow I have a girls night which is something that is sure to snap me right out of it.

For now though, I will wallow in it and hope that Chumby decides to come snuggle with me on the couch.

Sun, music, relaxing, dancing, partying, camping.  It was the recharge we needed. Costumes were worn, a ferris wheel was ridden, time was spent with friends and new pregnancies were shared. There were emotional highs and lows and all the in betweens. I did alright, through all of it. Had a cranky few hours the first day, probably due to jet lag.  Besides that, I was happy from the moment I woke up, til the moment I went to bed. I know that hasn’t happened at all in this last year. I loved every moment I was able to look around me and be surrounded by friends. I don’t have that here. We have friends who live all over NY, NJ and New England- but none close enough to hang with like we did in SF. We had a tribe there, a huge group that we spent a lot of time with.

Coming back East was to be with family and occasionally see our friends who live a few hours away. We knew no one in New Haven. 2 years later, we still don’t have many friends, but we’ve made a nice life for ourselves. I miss SF, but I’m ok here. I realized this past weekend that I missed the tribe though. The close connections that happen when you spend a lot of time with people. Our crew spans across the country and around the world. It is a special bunch and I’m proud to be a part of it.

I feel so lucky that I have so many great friends who took so much time to make sure we were okay all year. During the weekend, I never felt like I had this babylost mom identity. I felt like the old Lani and it was nice. My sadness was there, but I didn’t take it out much. I didn’t feel the need to. I felt like sharing in fun & laughter instead. A lot of them had not seen us since Silas died and needed to give us hugs. We had a lot of people who have been waiting a long time to hug us.

But I never felt like I had to talk about it. They all know, they read my blog, or we chat on gtalk or email or text. It was an escape and a really necessary one.

There were reminders though- don’t get me wrong. We camped with our friends and their year old son Sammy. The whole time we saw the empty spot in the pack ‘n play that should have been Silas. We also spent time with little Carly- our friends daughter who had the brain tumor. I felt like I needed to give Carly all the love I have inside me and it felt good. Our good friends Brad and Christa have been through a hellish year too and continue to need as much love and support as we all can spare. It felt great to be there with them. They needed our hugs as much as we needed theirs.

Getting back to my regular routine last week was hard. I was ready to come back to it, but I was definitely dragging my feet. I tried to carry that feeling I had when we were away with me as I worked all week. I think I did alright.

Today was a hard one. It was just one of those days. One that I have every month and I’m back to being sad, helpless and disappointed. I knew that the joy would wear off at some point and I’d go back to my normal self. I was hoping to keep it going a little longer but this feeling is inevitable. I’ve learned that in dealing with my grief, I need to experience it all, the highs, lows and in betweens. Though I’ve gotten so used to disappointment, now I’m almost a pro.

I was just hoping the high would have continued a bit longer.  Today though, it came to a screeching halt. I knew the sadness would return, it was just waiting in the wings for the right time. It’s one of those days I guess. Even the warm, balmy weather didn’t make it better.

I’m in flip flops in November in CT, pretty amazing, but yet I’m still pissed off at the world today.

I keep hoping for some miracle to happen, as I think about my future self with a child and think-

“yes, that’s when I’ll truly be happy.”

I said that to Chris last week. My amazing husband, who is not a yogi, said-

“You need to find happiness in each day in that present moment. That is true happiness.”

or something like that.

Yes, he’s right. I can’t keep looking towards my future, when I assume things will all be better. Things will keep happening, good and bad. I know that. I should know that. It’s the basis of yoga- being present. Here I teach this each and every day to hundreds of  kids and somehow I can’t realize this for myself. I know it, but am not practicing it.

I laugh at least once a day, sometimes more. I do find joy in simple things- in lovely things. Flowers, butterflies, a song I can sing out loud to in my car, a great story on This American Life, chumby snuggling with me every single morning, my hilarious and patient husband, farmer’s market fare, bean & leaf coffee, my yoga kids (most of the time).  That’s a short list.  Obviously there is so much more- family, friends, Phish festivals (of which we are going to this coming weekend and I am so excited I can barely contain myself!). I can probably list at least a hundred other things that bring me joy.  Seeing all my bestest friends from out west and getting real life hugs and love will bring me more joy and happiness then I have experienced in a really really long time.  This coming 5 day respite from the daily grind that we have come to accept is a much needed mental health vacation.

The other day I had a slight meltdown. It was a regress, which I know happens sometimes. All the blame and guilt came back full force over our decision to homebirth Silas. A conversation that Chris & I had the other night and this amazing post by sweet/salty kate had me up in arms. Neither were intended to cause this. But both filled me with self-doubt and fear. Most of the blogs I read these days, of women who had stillborn babies, all believe they were truly to blame. It’s frightening how many of us are so conflicted with what is really just a tragedy that happened. For some of us, we could have made other choices, but for all of us, the intention to birth our babies in the safest, healthiest way was always the main focus. It was always what we wanted for our babies. So why the blame and guilt? I guess everything in life that goes wrong needs to be put on someone or something.  Perhaps a scapegoat makes us feel better.

Another part of it that I am tormented by is all those out there who blame us for the loss of our baby. It is almost too much for me to handle sometimes. But most of the time I then think – who cares about them, the blame I have for myself, that is what is most important and what needs to be dealt with.

Over this year, I have made it a point to share my view that homebirth is what we believed to be the safest and most beautiful way of bringing our son into the universe. For us,  it was not. I am on the fence about homebirth now. For some it is magical, for others, like us, it is tragic. But the same goes for hospital births. All of it is scary and we’ll never ever know what could or would have been.

As humans, we are programmed to think about how we could have changed something in our past or how we want our future to go. I am stuck in that instead of realizing all the beauty that is in my reach every single moment. Even my day in bed when I was sick, was needed and necessary and eventually brought me some happiness.

I hate that I’ve gone backwards- I’m tormented by my past and by my future. I can’t change what is or what hasn’t happened yet. All I have is now and I need to work hard to find those little pieces of joy and happiness in each and every moment. And right now, that would be packing for my vacation!

I haven’t had much to say lately. It’s been a rough time for us and I feel like I’m one giant ball of negativity. It’s not me, it’s not who I ever was, but it somehow feels like it is who I’ve become.

This week in particular has been a hard one, I’ve been sick with a stomach virus for days. That on top of another month gone by without that happy news we’ve been waiting for. Well, actually, the Clear Blue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test said Pregnant on Monday. Chris and I had about 15 hours of excitement before the worst let down yet. I went and got a blood test to confirm it. The results the next morning were not what we expected to hear.

“Lani, your test results came back negative.”

What?! How is that possible. This preg test was the kind that actually said the word – Pregnant. There was no figuring out whether the lines were pink or a plus sign – it actually said it.

We were devastated, we felt so defeated. We even told our families and a few close friends. Now we had to let all of them down too.

My stomach virus kinda started a few hours into our excitement. I just thought it had to do with being pregnant. I even thought I remembered that happening to me last time.  So the next day, after we got the bad news, I canceled all my classes and took the whole day to sleep and not leave my bed. I think I needed to hide myself from the world. It’s how I’ve been feeling inside and out, so maybe this bug came just when I needed it.

Don’t get me wrong, being sick sucks- I hate it. But sometimes it just gives me an excuse to do nothing. To hide myself from expectations, chores, work, email, everything. I am so on, ALL THE TIME, that turning off for me is nearly impossible. I don’t shut down much. I keep my blackberry at my side, read and respond to emails on the go. I work a lot and like I’ve said many times before, I feel like I’m always cleaning.  It’s so strange because I’m a children’s yoga teacher! Yet I have a really hard time chilling out.

So chill out is what i’ve done for these last 4 days. I hated to cancel all my classes- if I don’t work, I don’t get paid. But, my mental and physical health is really what’s most important, so I accepted what had to be done, and I did it.  These few days of peace and quiet in my life were needed. Alright, alright, I still checked my email (I do have a business to run!), but I didn’t cook, clean, do laundry or dishes. I watched movies, read some magazines and took care of me.

Oh, and my car was towed yesterday. After my fit of tears, when I realized it happened, I had to laugh. How could I not laugh? I mean it was seriously ridiculous.

Today I didn’t teach, but I was up to my normal antics. I cleaned, did laundry, even did the garbage. But I do need to do those things too. It feels good to have a clean apt again.  I saw a commercial today for that stupid Clear Blue Easy preg test. They touted that they “are the most accurate pregnancy test on the market.” uh yeah. I seriously almost threw my shoe at the tv. But because I love my tv, I yelled at it instead.

My mental health break was important.  I have to remember to fit that into my every day if possible.  I definitely don’t feel 100% but I’m hoping to be well enough to go to work tomorrow. I don’t think I can chill out for another day- I’m actually ready to face the world again.

I am going on what will be a fantastic retreat with a bunch of babylost mamas who I have not met yet. It is going to be in Ocean City, NJ the weekend of Nov 20-22. I am really looking forward to this! We do have room for a few more beautiful women – if you are interested and want to know all the deets- check out Angie’s blog.

We made it. We’re over the hump. We felt the love pouring in from all over the world, through texts, comments, emails & phone calls. It was pretty spectacular and it helped us, honest to goodness. Knowing how many people were out there thinking about us and Silas made us feel very special. So thank you everyone.  Your love was powerful and it kept us smiling & laughing all weekend. It is hard to be sad when there is SO much love being thrown at you.

We saved the sadness for the ride home from New Hampshire. It was long, rainy and depressing. We kind of needed it to be though.  It was the hardest of the 3 days by a landslide. Friday was a gorgeous day, we drove up in all the leave changing glory. It was a perfect New England fall day. We were able to relax and let go and put the stresses of our lives on hold for a bit. It was a needed respite from all that is weighing on us.

But get this:  Last week I was driving home from teaching at a new school in Chris’ car, the Matrix, because the mini-van our friends gave us was not registered yet.  I was stopped at a light and out of nowhere this young guy rear-ended me so hard– hard enough that he actually totaled the car.

I was ok (again) but SO mad. I was freaking out. I must have looked like a lunatic, but seriously, another car accident? I totaled 2 cars in 3 weeks? Seriously? On top of the anxiety of the upcoming anniversary date, this really was the icing on the cake. Where was my guardian angel Silas who was supposed to be looking out for me?

I told the guy & his dad that while I do understand it was an accident and he didn’t hit me on purpose, his timing was really bad and he was pretty much ruining my life at that moment. He sheepishly looked at me and apologized, not much else to say really. Then I had to take a cab home. Yeah, it was so pathetic.

So we went from 2 cars we both loved, to zero cars in a matter of weeks.  Yes, they are material possessions that we need to not be attached to. But I am tired of loss. It’s like loss, piled on loss, piled on loss.

Today is Yom Kippur, the day of Atonement for us Jews. I barely acknowledged it, and have only given it a little thought. I made us matzah ball soup last night for dinner- that was the extent of it. I want to think of these 2 important Jewish holidays as a letting go- of this horrible year that decided to milk itself til the bitter end.

Somehow I still have hope that we will grow a sibling for Silas, that the car stuff will no longer be the focus point in our lives, that our businesses will continue to thrive, and that we will find as much joy as we possibly can in this new year ahead. I do have hope for that. It’s just hard to see that when everything seems like it is working against me. I feel completely beat down.

But I am taking the power of the love we felt, and I will use it to forge a new path that will keep me feeling that goodness awaits us. Because godammit, we friggin’ deserve it already.

There is this humongous fly that is buzzing around me as I write this. I keep trying to get it with a rolled up magazine and I keep missing it. I swear it’s like how I’m feeling right now. As though happiness could be within my grasp but I keep missing it. It slows down, lands, and then *poof* it’s gone again. It’s unsettling. As much as I LOVE summer, I am looking forward to saying goodbye to the flies that are a constant as the chilly mornings & evenings have arrived.

But I feel like I’m constantly cleaning. I am not sure how 2 people can create that much mess, but it seems true. Then I think about how it would be cleaning up with 3 of us and really that is what I want. I’ve made a promise to myself that I won’t ever complain about it, ever. Well, maybe not ever, but it is amazing how much bargaining you do with yourself when things feel so out of your grasp.  I guess I just need to be busy doing all the things I can control. The cleaning, cooking, gardening, working, exercising- it’s what I do to keep busy and occupy my mind from getting the best of me.  My mind is always getting the best, though, especially this week.

Because this is the week, that fateful week a year ago where it was all uncertain. I read back to Chris’ posts from this time last year and it is so heartbreakingly hopeful.

Surprisingly, for now, I am doing ok. Today was an alright day- we seem to have them sometimes.  The sun was shining and we sold tons of coffee. But I am ready to be over the hump. I want the other side of this. I told a friend today how I’ve already felt the worst in my life, and that this week can’t possibly be any more awful than I have already felt this year.

We’ll get through it, I guess, with the help of friends & family and each other, since there is no other choice. I know how busy this week will be so hopefully it will be over before I know it.

As always, we appreciate the love being showered on us right now. It’s amazing how anniversaries do that. I am planning on going to Silas’ tree and planting some bulbs that will bloom in the spring. That is something I can do to honor my baby boy.  There will be other things, too, that we do, but I’m just not sure what they are right now.  We’ve never done this before.

I do want to remember my baby this week with some of the only memories I have with him. I need to look at these pix sometimes to remember how it felt, to just remember the only time I had with Silas. Our time with him alive was fleeting and has faded too much from my memory for my liking. I had plenty of time with him inside me so those memories are what I have to cherish. It is all I’ve got.

We are coming upon a year since the loss of our beautiful baby and almost everything is a painful reminder of what we don’t have. Jeez, a year? How on earth did that happen? I had so many plans for myself, of what I thought would be by now.  I never lost that weight, I’m still not pregnant and yeah, I still don’t have my baby. It’s still unfathomable to me even after all this time has passed. I’m not sure how that is possible- with all the therapy and tears, why am I still in disbelief?

Yesterday Chris said “you’re in disbelief, that you are still in disbelief?”

I had to laugh at that one. That was after we both had ourselves a good cry as we headed up to the farmer’s market yesterday. My memories of the markets at the end of my pregnancy are still so vivid. Especially the waddling back and forth to and from the port-o-potty. And of course the constant questions about my belly.

“Is this your first?” yes.

“Is it a boy or a girl?” we don’t know.

“how much longer?” any day now.

I loved it though. I loved talking about it- as uncomfortable as I was, I loved the attention. I felt amazing to be growing this baby- this big baby inside me. I knew that my world would change any day and I was excited.

I see pregnant women and cringe, knowing they get those constant questions, knowing that I’ll get them again one day and my answers will require too much thought.

I ignore the new babies and big bellies and it still feels so awful. A year later and I still can’t handle it. My jealousy of pregnancies and babies is raging and there is no way to stop it. I had no idea how I would be a year later after this horrible mess, but I definitely assumed I’d be pregnant and that would help.

Chris said to me this weekend that he feels that this was Silas’ year.  That maybe we didn’t have room for a new baby just yet, that we needed to focus our love on him. I want to see it that way. But it doesn’t make any of it any better really. It seems like we are always trying to talk ourselves into feeling better somehow- I don’t know how we haven’t cracked yet. Maybe it’s because we’re always so busy.

We’ve both had a lot going on with work and we’re still ironing out the car situation now that I no longer have mine. I’m borrowing one from a friend for a few days and we were given one (that is being checked out by our mechanic) by other amazing friends. Everyone is still looking out for us- but sometimes it makes me so uncomfortable. We have had to take so much this year and it gets hard to do after a while. I want to give so much back, to everyone, but I have nothing in me. I give it to my yoga kids and Chris but that’s all I have.

We’re planning on going to New Hampshire to spend Silas’ day with his peach tree. We just can’t imagine being home. A few days with family, hiking and rockband should help ease some of the pain.

In the meantime, I’m just going to continue thinking about Silas and my disbelief, because even a year later I don’t think I want to accept it just yet.

I am torn between feeling lucky or unlucky these days.

Last weekend I got in a car accident.  Somehow I’ve become more focused on the car, then the fact that I’m so damn lucky to be alive after spinning across Rte 91. It was one of those moments where your life flashes in front of you and you have no idea how it will end. As my car spun out of control, I had time to think-

“I could die right now.”

It’s really as scary as it gets. I didn’t hurt anyone else, didn’t hit another car, and walked away without a scratch. It really is amazing. Yet here I am, focusing on this material possession. This thing that means nothing, it is just a car.

But there is more to it then that. I just feel bogged down by all that is occurring in my world right now- Silas’ looming b-day, getting pregnant, money, work, a babylost mom losing another baby,  it’s all just one big headache. I swear my head feels like it’s about to explode sometimes.

Then I get in this car accident and nearly total my car, which now costs too much to fix, and leaves me just feeling so helpless. Chris is so right on when he says that all this other stuff we can do something about, the money, the car, work, even getting pregnant (to some degree).

We cannot bring Silas back. This we can’t fix. He will forever be a force in our life, but not a body. The further out we get, the further away I feel from the whole experience. I look at the picture of him, and still can’t believe he is and was mine. But lately I’m not thinking about it as much. Which obviously is hard for me to be ok with also.

I have been focused on getting pregnant and now, on the whole car thing. We’ve had to re-arrange our schedules this last week  in order to get both of us to work, and now we’re doing the same this coming week. Living in the ‘burbs, it’s a total pain in the ass. We both need cars for our jobs and sharing one is a hassle. I hate to complain about it, but I feel like it’s the last thing we both need right now. And I loved my car.

I spent so much time crying last week. I think I cried like 4-5 times a day! That’s pretty insane. All because I crashed my car? I’m not sure. I think it became that final straw for me, like “how can this happen now?” and also, because I have no one else to blame for this. No one hit me, I got scared by a spider and lost control. It was all on me.

I still carry some of the guilt and blame of the loss of Silas. I have shed most of it, but I think there will always be a piece of that with me forever. And while I know a car accident is just that, an accident, I see it as another thing I screwed up.

I cannot compare, obviously the loss of a car is a minor one in life, just like glass. You can’t get attached. I swear I break at least one glass a month. But somehow, the timing of this seems so huge to me. It feels like all these little things have become just one big ball of crap that paralyzes me.

This past weekend was fantastic with a visit from my brother and his wife- it was all fun and distractions from my reality. This morning, I woke up with that sinking feeling.

“Ugh, back to the shit that is my life.”

Chris and I sat outside, ate a delicious homemade breakfast, and started going through our car options. I had a minor meltdown, but we sort of figured out our plan of action. It was a beautiful day, one not to be wasted on being upset.

It is Labor day of course, the day that symbolizes the end of summer for us Americans. This is the kind of day spent doing something fun- bbq’s, friends, beach, but Chris had other ideas.

He told me what to wear and then we packed up snacks and a lunch and got in the car. I am not very good with surprises, even though I LOVE them. I ask too many questions. Today I tried so hard to keep quiet, just go with the flow. At one point, Chris even made me close my eyes! The drive was beautiful, and we listened to the latest episode of This American Life which was hilarious and our favorite way to pass the time on long drives.

So this is where Chris brought me today. It is impossible to feel unlucky in a field of sunflowers.