Zeph is the cutest baby ever (yes, I know all parents say that). He is a screamer, a snuggler, and a good sleeper which has been wonderful. He keeps us guessing and on our toes.

Zephyr means west wind. Rigel was named for my grandma Ruth in the jewish tradition and is also the brightest star in Orion. Silas is with us and a part of him.

Thank you for sticking by us these last 3 years. It has been one hell of a journey, but we made it. Now we can finally exhale.

I got my first non-stress test the other day and they had me hooked up for 2 hours monitoring my contractions.  It was a bit crazy, but  since they weren’t painful, they said it’s all good and sent me on my way. The ultrasound showed the little guy lying transverse (across my belly) sitting with his legs crossed. He’s already a yogi!! He must hear me when I tell the kids to sit criss cross applesauce- lol. He also has some hair which was fun to see as well. So far so good- enough fluid and the babe is perfect.

But, as we all know, things can go to shit anytime now so I am hanging on in a hopeful, optimistic state – assuming it will all go the way it’s supposed to. I know better but I need to believe it will. There is that part of me that is terrified it won’t, but I let those thoughts just pass in order to stay focused and happy.

We are on edge though, and thoughts of Silas come up way more often these days. I can’t help but think of my first born who isn’t here and how sad his loss still is for us. It’s just so present right now as we head to the final weeks of this pregnancy. I have actually been answering truthfully when people ask if it’s my first more often than not. It feels right these days. Chris wrote about that lie we live, which also has helped us these last 3 years just get through life without wearing our pain on our sleeves. But now, it just makes sense for me to let others know that no, this is not my first.  I went through a whole other pregnancy & delivery (naturally) and that yes, I’m having a c-section this time because of the complications the first time. I need to share that and I actually feel alright when I do. Otherwise I get into all kinds of weird conversations that are way more uncomfortable then the truth.

So even though we decided not to have baby stuff in the house, it started accumulating. It’s almost impossible not to!! People have given us things & sent us things so they are here. But I haven’t done anything with them except put them in a closet. I do have a changing table in the middle of our dining room with all kinds of stuff piled on top. But I’m ok with it. I plan on going up to my in-laws soon to see what they have of ours that was given to us for Silas. It is hard for me to wait- even though it seems like the smart thing to do. We aren’t setting up a room just yet, but I just need to make sure we have those few things we need at the beginning and it really is just a lot of fun to look through it all. I don’t want to deny myself of what everyone else gets to do before they have their baby. So I’m doing it a little. On one hand I want to protect myself but on the other hand, I feel like I need to be prepared. It’s a hard balance.

I finally finished up my teaching and I couldn’t be happier. I was so ready and can’t wait to relax. Though I am working really hard right now at my job with the food co-op that’s opening on Wednesday.  It’s been a bit nutty trying to juggle it all- the yoga, the coffee stuff,  the co-op, and all the doctor appointments.  But now that I’m done teaching I’ll have more of a focus on the other jobs. I have a lot to do at the market with all the events in the next two weeks, so I’m hoping the baby holds out so I can be there and help get it looking great. It’s been fun and rewarding and I am loving it. It will also be a job I can do from home in the time I’m taking off from teaching when I’m home with baby.

The next post will probably be the big news, but I felt like it was important to share where I’m at right now. Which is uncomfortable and ready!! I still can’t wrap my brain around the idea that I may have a real baby in my arms- but I’m working hard at getting there. And then hopefully once I fully believe it, it will have already happened.

This year feels different now that I’m pregnant. Last year we were apart for this weekend. I was traveling out west and Chris was here at home. It was hard on both of us, and we promised not to let something like that happen again.  With the beginning of Sept comes the natural anxiety.  It brings us both instantly back to this time 3 years ago, waiting for our baby to be born. All the things we had to do to get ready, the weather changing and with it a change of seasons. It’s really strange how much our bodies just sense this timing and naturally react to it. This week in particular I’ve been overly emotional. Today I woke up just pissed. I didn’t feel like getting up, going to teach, and really doing much of anything. I still feel mopey and sad and knew that a blog post was important to help me get through it.

This last month has been emotional on so many levels. Chris definitely feels like he is powerless and thus needs to try to protect me as much as possible. I’m sure it’s hard for the guys to have to sit back and watch this unfold, without being able to control every move we make. I go about my day, teaching, driving, cooking, etc and just hope for the best. I hope that I don’t slip and fall, or get in a car accident, or do anything that could take away this precious life inside me. Chris watches me with bated breath, still wishing he could use that bubble wrap and keep me protected from harm until this little guy lands screaming in our arms. Since that is not practical, and yes, I have to live my life, we just try to work it out, communicate our fears and needs, and breathe that big sigh of relief that we got through another day.

We are close to picking our baby’s birthdate which feels awesome and weird at the same time. I had a Dr. appt today and a date is being requested, but they can’t schedule until 32 weeks, and I’m at almost 31.  I can’t even believe sometimes how my whole perception of birth has changed since losing Silas. I am thrilled to be with doctors (though I love the 2 midwives in the group too),  can’t wait to deliver in a hospital, and am truly looking forward to my scheduled c-section. I want a healthy, live, screaming baby and if this is how it’s done, I’m all for it.

So here we are, just patiently waiting for our first real live baby in our arms. I feel so close I can taste it, but man, 8 more weeks! arghhh!! I’m so ready for this. Every single day, I look at my belly and give thanks. I still cannot believe it- that I am really pregnant, and that it’s almost time to deliver this miracle child. With all the fertility treatments we went through, I feel like this babe inside me is truly a ray of sunshine that we worked so hard for. Every little kick reminds me of that, every day.

Despite all that, I do complain sometimes, even though I said I wouldn’t! Pregnancy is hard on my body- I tire easily, my feet get swollen, I’m uncomfortable as can be, I sleep poorly. Chris is quick to remind me how much we wanted this, but sometimes I can’t help myself!! I am truly thrilled, of course, but I am ready though. This baby feels like 4 years in the making- which is a hell of a long time to wait for a baby.

The hardest part though lately has been answering the question-

“Is this your first?”

It happens up to 5 times a day. Most of the time I say yes, just to make it easier on all of us. But I feel terrible about it every single time. In some ways I want everyone to know about Silas, but I know it’s just not appropriate to share what happened sometimes. I don’t think it will ever be easy, regardless of how I answer. It’s always followed up with a truly uncomfortable conversation that I really don’t want to have.

To get through this tough weekend, we made sure to make awesome plans. We are going to NYC and walking the Highline, meeting up with friends, seeing Wilco at Summerstage in Central Park, staying with my brother and sis in law who have all kinds of fun planned for us all weekend. The anticipation leading up is always harder then the actual day. That seems to be true each year. Maybe somehow my body knows though, that even though Sept 25 was the day I gave birth, it was a Thursday, so today was really the day it all went down. I just want to be sad and melancholy today, it just feels right.

As always, thank you for all your support, those who read, and those who read and comment. I am not much of a blog reader these days, but I truly appreciate that there are so many of you who still read and comment and follow our story.  I may find myself writing more and more as the time gets closer to baby, and as the anxiety & excitement increases.

So please light a candle for our little Silas Orion on Sunday, look up to his stars, and give your kids a hug for us. xo

I also find myself comparing the 2 pregnancies often- because that’s what we do.  Different but similar aches and pains, the familiar flutters, the swollen feet and ankles, the need to stay fed and hydrated, to be well rested but still active and the never-ending amazement that I can really grow a baby inside my own body. I really still can’t believe it sometimes! I truly feel lucky that I get to be here, a place I’ve been dreaming of for so long in my life.

The doctor/midwife group we chose this time around is just different.  It is a more clinical setting,  but the warmth is there and the care is impeccable.  Some visits have been 5 min long- while others I spend at least 30 getting my questions answered.  They are on top of it, making sure that every need we have is met. I even got a call today randomly from one of the midwives, just to see how I was doing. She asked how all the doctors have been, if we’ve been happy with our care. She even asked if they were pronouncing my name correctly! So great. I feel like we are in good hands and very hopeful that this little guy inside me will end up in my arms screaming and healthy.

But as all of us in this community know, nothing is definite and things can go wrong, up to the very last minute. I’m still feeling pretty hesitant that this pregnancy can really end with a live baby. I won’t keep anything for him in this apt until he is alive & kicking. What do we really need? I don’t feel the pressure to set up a baby room (we actually didn’t do this last time either), or have clothes or diapers or anything here until it happens. All the stuff given to us last time is safe and secure at my inlaws. I am confident that when we need it, it will be brought to our home, ready and waiting for us. I refuse to register and really have a hard time even going to that place of decision making. What stroller, bassinet, car seat do we want? Beats me. I checked out what some of my friends have, asked a few questions, but don’t feel like it’s necessary to go there quite yet. I know, I know, a week before I deliver, I’m sure I’ll feel frantic if I don’t have this stuff, but for now, I just want to get through each day. I have lots of people who want to know what I’m going to do about work, daycare, etc. I am not planning a thing. I have some ideas and I know I want to take off some time, but to actually plan what we’re going to do after that is just not going to happen. I planned last time, and then had to take it all back. It was brutal. It just feels better to leave it out there and we’ll figure it out when the time comes.

I’m way more tired this time around. I think being 40 and pregnant is really hard work!  I wish I could exercise more, but it’s so hot on the east coast and so hard to get motivated to even take a walk! I am still teaching the kids yoga and am pretty much using it as my form of exercise right now. Every downdog feels heavenly, but my body definitely doesn’t move the way it’s used to! That I remember explicitly from last time. That crazy feeling of not being able to bend and stretch like I am normally capable of.

I know my sister does not want a big announcement made (sorry J), but her pregnancy, only 7 weeks behind me, is so very exciting in my family. My parents are beyond thrilled and daily texts from my mom are not unusual.

“How are my girls feeling today??”

It’s so amazing to see my parents so happy. They have struggled to deal with the grief and loss of their first and only grandson while staying hopeful that their 3 kids in their late 30′s will procreate sooner rather then later.  They have to listen to all their friends who only want to talk about grandkids. So now that both of their daughters are preggers, it is a really happy time in the Rosen family. When I start to think about the thought of “What if that IVF cycle didn’t work?” I get a feeling over my body that is so horrific, I don’t even want to go there. It happened and it’s all good. But it is still so hard to even believe sometimes.

We just got back from a fantastic trip out west for a good friends wedding in Lake Tahoe. So beautiful and so much fun. Of course we also stayed a few days in SF- bar hopping, coffee tasting, seeing friends, eating burritos and just enjoying ourselves immensely.  Meeting new babies (me with gifts in hand finally!) and seeing pregnant friends, all with a huge smile on my face and excitement for them that was real.

As always, the love and support we get from our friends & family, and those of you who read my words have kept me going. So I just want to say thanks.

I sometimes go back and read my early posts, from when I guest wrote on my husband Chris’s blog Elm City Dad. I was raw, angry, sad, depressed. You name an emotion and I felt it. I was honest though about how I felt. I knew people in my life were reading, people who knew and loved me. It didn’t change what and how I wrote, I knew that they actually used our blogs as a tool to help them deal with us. We told it like it was- putting it all out there with real, honest emotion.

I think that because of our blogs, we are still super close to all our friends. It was their way of connecting to us in helping to know what we were going through.  Our friends found it easier to contact us because of it. Having email, text, fb, gchat and blog comments gives us so many outlets to communicate and I appreciated every single one of them. I didn’t need my friends calling me. I didn’t need people to worry about “how I was doing.” My blog shared that, and if you took the time to comment or email or text, I let you know that I was ok.  They knew and understood I couldn’t see their new babies, couldn’t send a gift or call/write to congratulate them. The jealousy, oh the jealousy. This part of me was a huge loss- not being able to see, hear, watch, read about babies. They were everywhere and it was almost impossible to navigate.

Those early days were so incredibly hard. I couldn’t lose the weight, couldn’t get pregnant, didn’t have my son and really couldn’t make sense of this world that came crashing in on me. I am one of those people though that couldn’t hide in my bed all day, every day, even though I thought that was what I wanted. Chris and I went out, saw friends & lots of music. Leaned on our amazing families & friends a lot. I practiced yoga, went to bootcamps & therapy, and continued my work as a children’s yoga teacher. I struggled through it all, but I think that because we continued to live life, through our loss and grief, really brought us to where we are today. We are still devastated by our loss, but we don’t wear our grief on our sleeve. We worked through it, around it, inside and out. I will always miss him, til the day I die – but my heart isn’t aching like it did in that first year. Sometimes I can’t believe I’m still standing, and other times I am proud to be still standing.

I am finally pregnant again, exactly 2 years & 8 months later. It took a really long time for that to happen. I think for me, it made this journey a bit more tumultuous.  My time was spent grieving the loss of my sweet little first born son Silas and then it was spent trying to get pregnant again. After awhile, it turned into just trying to get pregnant again. Silas was there in my heart, but his loss wasn’t my focus anymore. I was determined to get pregnant and after a year of trying on our own, it was time to venture into the land of infertility drugs. I couldn’t believe this was our life. First we lost our child at birth, and then we can’t get pregnant? That just seemed truly fucked up. I mean seriously? We tried every fertility treatment out there, and finally, became pregnant after our 3rd IVF attempt.  I am currently 13w4d and was feeling great until last night. We had a bit of a bleeding scare, but found out I have placenta previa and it’s pretty common. Now I am just told to take it easy which I’m attempting to do.

This pregnancy is fraught with the feeling of it being our last hope to have a child. It finally happened and I wont let anything take it from me.  Last night, right after the toilet was filled with blood, I sobbed with the thought of having to start this process over again. It can’t possibly be happening. But the bleeding stopped, the ultrasound showed a heartbeat and a healthy baby, and I’m now required to chill out. At this point, I will do what I’m told. Chris wants to wrap me in bubble wrap and put me in a closet and not let me out til I’m ready to birth this baby.

Now that I’m finally here though, I am finding a new relationship with Silas and his loss. I still get choked up when I see my friends kids who were born around when he was. I sometimes can’t believe I could be parenting a 2 1/2 year old. That always breaks my heart. I am constantly now required to answer the question “is this your first?” This brings up all kinds of feelings and emotions about whether to share and break someone’s heart? or pretend Silas didn’t exist? It’s a very challenging question to answer, no matter how I choose to answer it. I always hesitate and I still haven’t figured it out it in the moment.

Silas taught me so many lessons. He taught me that everything in life doesn’t always work out & things don’t happen for a reason (sometimes shitty things just happen). He taught me patience. He allowed me to fall even more in love with my husband (which I didn’t think was possible). I gained a better appreciation for what I have & more empathy for those who are suffering. Over time I’ve learned that when shitty things happen to me, I don’t have to blame myself for it. Blame and guilt, 2 huge emotions that come with loss. I worked through those emotions, and while I’m not completely healed of them, I don’t beat myself up anymore. Silas Orion will always be a light in my life, will always hold a space in my heart and will always be the big brother to the next little Gallagher to come our way.

This whole process to get to this point has been challenging, but here I am, 11 weeks and still going strong. I feel good- not so much nausea but enough to make me feel pregnant. I am showing already (and have been for a few weeks) which seems crazy to me but I’ve been told that happens with your second. I still feel like I just look fat, since I haven’t been eating too great (with all the bday celebrations and all) and not really working out these last 3 months. But I am accepting that this is where I am right now and soon enough that baby bump will show prominently and I won’t just have to blurt out “I’m pregnant!” when someone asks why I’m not having a glass of wine or beer like everyone else around me. Chris cracks up everytime I say it- like I am trying to find an excuse to tell people (maybe I am?) but I’m at that awkward stage where I just don’t look pregnant to the outside world, but feel just big all over. So I choose to share my excitement and happiness and it feels great to do so.

The dreaded 40th bday came and went and it actually was pretty awesome. The day itself (4/28) was perfect- with a delicious breakfast cooked by my sweet husband, an awesome lunch at my fave New Haven restaurant with my girlfriends, and then dinner with my siblings & their spouses at my brother-in-laws cousin’s restaurant in Westchester. My sister was out here visiting that week so it was perfect! I never get to spend quality time with both sibs and so it was truly special. The dinner was amazing and was a great way to celebrate this milestone in my life.

For the weekend, we went to Montreal with our friends. It was fantastic! What a beautiful and interesting city. We ate and drank (some of us) our way through the city.  Just perfect!

And then it was time to celebrate Chris’ bday. It wasn’t a milestone like mine, but b-days still deserve much celebration and for days we did. It’s fun having back to back b-days, but it does get tiring and my body definitely doesn’t feel awesome from all the treats and heavy foods.

So now back to normal- or what is turning into a new normal. We finally picked our doctors/midwives and we are pretty psyched. We found the perfect group with the perfect balance of what we are looking for this time around. All the advice you all gave was super helpful and very much appreciated. Starting to figure out how to answer “is this your first?” by just seeing how I feel like answering in that moment. It comes up at least once a day and as soon as I start to show more, will probably happen constantly.

Mother’s day was yet again, really really hard. I had my breakdown while emptying the dishes- which I think happened the same time last year. I think it just really hit me at that moment how much I miss Silas and the time I lost with him as my son. Parenting a dead baby is hard, but hits hardest on a day like Mother’s day where everyone is celebrating and it is EVERYWHERE for weeks. I know so many friends who lost their mother’s at a young age, and then now all of us who lost our children- and with all the lost soldiers as well, it seems to be more of a sad reminder of who we lost then anything else. But I do try to cherish what I do have, and that is an amazing mom & mother in law and I feel blessed for the 2 of them in my life.

Waiting patiently to be out of the first tri. It’s almost here and I can taste it. In the meantime, I am FINALLY finding the warmth I so badly missed. LONGEST WINTER EVER. The sun is out, the back door is open, the kitties are playing in the yard, the garden is starting to be planted and I can finally wear my sundresses again. YAY!

We are in the process of finding a doctor in the New Haven area. We’ve had many recommendations and now have appointments at 3 different groups. I like the idea of a group of doctors and midwifes but I think Chris is terrified of the idea of a midwife. He is being very open to meeting with all of them but it’s a hard decision to be made. We want this pregnancy to be very different-  our choice in doctors, prenatal yoga teachers, finding out the sex, taking tests we didn’t take the first time, to that big one- having a c-section.

I know that as this pregnancy progresses, there will that question from strangers we’ll have to figure out how to answer -”is this your first?”  I know that it will work itself out as it happens more and more often, but it is something I’ve been thinking about for awhile. Any of you babylost parents who’ve gone on to have their subsequent child/ren, please feel free to share your experiences with me. Any help will be so appreciated.

I get why all of you out there were terrified with your subsequent pregnancies. Last night I had a dream that I was going to lose this baby. I woke up and felt normal, went to the bathroom to check and saw I was fine. It’s just so precarious. This new life growing inside me is so precious and I’m so attached. I’m only 8 1/2 weeks, anything can happen. No matter that I’ve been told that seeing a heartbeat decreases your chance of miscarriage tremendously, I can’t help myself but to feel worried.

But I know we’ll get over that first trimester hump and there will be all the other worries that follow. I promised myself I would just be happy and grateful for this new life. After all this time of trying- and it finally happening for us. But now I keep thinking how close we are. How we’ve reached this goal and now have 7 more months until we finally get that baby that everyone else around us gets to enjoy and love. I dream of holding my own baby in my arms and I am terrified of what may happen between now and when that possibility can be real.

I am happy though. I am excited and joyful and feel a sense of relief I haven’t experienced in years. I know this is normal and just how it’s going to be. I am choosing to accept it and just go with it.  Oh, and I continue to just breathe. Big deep breaths and feel so thankful I am where I am.

This is probably crazy but I said to Chris this weekend that if UConn won the basketball championships, I’d take that as a good sign. It’s always hard to know when and if you are making the right decisions. This is all a game of chance and there was a lot riding on this cycle. We switched clinics, not because we thought UConn was better then our other place, just that it was different, had a great reputation and just we felt it was the right thing to do. Even though it’s not convenient, we decided to go for it anyway. It was a great move (obviously!) and a double bonus seeing UConn come from out of nowhere to win it all last night.  I was still nervous this morning, but had a good feeling about it.

I can now breathe a sigh of relief for the next week, til the next ultrasound. It’s hard for me to look to the future still, we have no due date or anything yet. Though I’m sure I can figure it out. I just don’t know if I want to go there just yet. I want to stay present and get through each day feeling relaxed and happy.

That one beating heart was just the most beautiful sight. ahhhhhhh.

So we found out last Monday that we were pregnant, and not only that, my HCG levels were really high. We were truly elated for those first 2 days. That little secret smile that I just couldn’t contain. We shared our news with all our friends and family who have been on this journey with us. We made so many people happy and heard so many tears of joy being shed at our expense. It was quite overwhelming and felt so deservedly good. It has been quite the journey to get here.

The 2ww was hard, but I took care of myself. I did my restorative yoga every night & kept my 2nd chakra candle lit whenever I was in the apt. I ate well, I rested and I imagined those 3 perfect embryos (yes, we had 3 perfect ones!) sticking (or at least 1-2 sticking!) We allowed all of our friends to share in the process and to send us sticky implantation vibes as much as possible. And it worked! It really worked.

So I went back on Wed for my 2nd beta and unfortunately, my levels didn’t go up as much as they wanted them too. They thought there was a possibility that there were multiples and we lost one. Made complete sense to us, so we felt ok about this. They wanted me back again on Fri. Problem was, we had a 7am flight out to Florida to visit my parents and to do a blood test, I’d have to change the flight to that evening. It didn’t make sense to us to lose a whole day of 85 degree sunny Florida weather to find out that maybe it was bad news, or possibly it went up. Either answer wouldn’t change a thing, so we decided not to take the test and to just go and relax and not think about it (yeah right).

Florida was awesome. We had a fabulous 4 days with my parents, eating, beaching, relaxing, reading- everything you do on vacation. It was perfect. The weather was perfect which never happens to us. Every friend of theirs congratulated us, but I thanked them with the statement “I’m cautiously happy.” It was hard to be truly happy, with the not knowing, and expecting a toilet full of blood at any given moment.

So early Tues morning (after getting in at 4am) I ran back up to Hartford to do another blood test- the 45 min drive each way has been one of the hardest parts of this cycle like I knew it would be. They called me in the early afternoon to tell me the levels still didn’t go up as much as they’d like and they need to see me for an ultrasound. Yikes. All I wanted to do was take a nap after not having really slept the night before. But get back in my car is what I did, and I drove back up to Hartford, shaking and attempting deep breaths the whole way there.

The good news was that there was nothing they could see in my tubes- if there was, it could have been an ectopic pregnancy which is really bad. They think they may have seen the sac in my uterus, but still too early to tell. I was at 5w2d which is super early.

So now, I just have to wait and see how it goes. I go in again on Tues for another beta and ultrasound. I guess that all our disappointments these last few years have added up and I really can’t be optimistic about this. I am protecting myself from the pain I will inevitably feel when this pregnancy turns to loss. It’s so hard for me to stay hopeful and positive. How can I? I usually am. Chris is the hopeful & positive one right now. He has been amazing for me. I really don’t have any left in me and I am using everyone’s positive energy to get through this.

Everyone knows someone who knows someone who had a slow rise in their HCG levels who then went on to have a baby. But in my heart of hearts, I don’t think that’s going to be me. I want it to be me, but that hasn’t been me in years. I am getting myself so prepared for what I think is the inevitable loss, that I almost forget that I am pregnant right now.

I have yet to turn that switch on in my brain that accepts that I’m actually pregnant. The side affects that started during the 2ww b/c of the progesterone injections are still around, which doesn’t help b/c I don’t feel like they are real. Even if they are. I pray every morning to wake up nauseous. Then I would know that my levels are rising.

It feels good to write this out, to share this tumultuous beginning to what could be the child we have been dreaming of all these years, or just another loss on this endless path.