I haven’t had much to say lately. It’s been a rough time for us and I feel like I’m one giant ball of negativity. It’s not me, it’s not who I ever was, but it somehow feels like it is who I’ve become.
This week in particular has been a hard one, I’ve been sick with a stomach virus for days. That on top of another month gone by without that happy news we’ve been waiting for. Well, actually, the Clear Blue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test said Pregnant on Monday. Chris and I had about 15 hours of excitement before the worst let down yet. I went and got a blood test to confirm it. The results the next morning were not what we expected to hear.
“Lani, your test results came back negative.”
What?! How is that possible. This preg test was the kind that actually said the word – Pregnant. There was no figuring out whether the lines were pink or a plus sign – it actually said it.
We were devastated, we felt so defeated. We even told our families and a few close friends. Now we had to let all of them down too.
My stomach virus kinda started a few hours into our excitement. I just thought it had to do with being pregnant. I even thought I remembered that happening to me last time. So the next day, after we got the bad news, I canceled all my classes and took the whole day to sleep and not leave my bed. I think I needed to hide myself from the world. It’s how I’ve been feeling inside and out, so maybe this bug came just when I needed it.
Don’t get me wrong, being sick sucks- I hate it. But sometimes it just gives me an excuse to do nothing. To hide myself from expectations, chores, work, email, everything. I am so on, ALL THE TIME, that turning off for me is nearly impossible. I don’t shut down much. I keep my blackberry at my side, read and respond to emails on the go. I work a lot and like I’ve said many times before, I feel like I’m always cleaning. It’s so strange because I’m a children’s yoga teacher! Yet I have a really hard time chilling out.
So chill out is what i’ve done for these last 4 days. I hated to cancel all my classes- if I don’t work, I don’t get paid. But, my mental and physical health is really what’s most important, so I accepted what had to be done, and I did it. These few days of peace and quiet in my life were needed. Alright, alright, I still checked my email (I do have a business to run!), but I didn’t cook, clean, do laundry or dishes. I watched movies, read some magazines and took care of me.
Oh, and my car was towed yesterday. After my fit of tears, when I realized it happened, I had to laugh. How could I not laugh? I mean it was seriously ridiculous.
Today I didn’t teach, but I was up to my normal antics. I cleaned, did laundry, even did the garbage. But I do need to do those things too. It feels good to have a clean apt again. I saw a commercial today for that stupid Clear Blue Easy preg test. They touted that they “are the most accurate pregnancy test on the market.” uh yeah. I seriously almost threw my shoe at the tv. But because I love my tv, I yelled at it instead.
My mental health break was important. I have to remember to fit that into my every day if possible. I definitely don’t feel 100% but I’m hoping to be well enough to go to work tomorrow. I don’t think I can chill out for another day- I’m actually ready to face the world again.
23 comments
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October 16, 2009 at 12:03 am
mamaliza
oh lani i’m sorry it’s been such a rough few days. and i’m glad you succombed to the flu and allowed yourself to really rest and take care of yourself.
i feel like i’m always cleaning too and it’s so damn hard for me to relax and i don’t even have a job. i have so much anxiety these days and every little thing seems to overwhelm me. today arik and i talked about it and we realized it’s part the way we are now after lev’s death, in the aftermath of our huge trauma.
sending you love and healing lani
xox
October 16, 2009 at 1:16 am
paige
Lani, there’s just something unbearably cruel about seeing the word “pregnant” and then being told you were not. I’m so sorry.
I’m glad you were able to step back from the world for a few days and really take care of yourself. Our society is so focused on going and doing that we scarcely manage to just be. I wish I could’ve brought you chicken soup and chocolate and given you a big hug.
Be good to yourself, sweet friend. Sending love to you and your baby boy, always.
xo
October 16, 2009 at 3:32 am
Carly
Lani,
Its just one blow after another isn’t it. I am so sorry. I am so sorry you were sick too. I wish you could have taken some time to rest with out a horrid tummy bug.
xxx
October 16, 2009 at 4:55 am
ines
hi Lani
I’m sorry you had to go through all this. I’m self-employed, too. Used to teach children as well. Well, it’s all used to now because I’ve been very sick and thankfully a lot better now. Still. I know what you mean, getting sick and having some real down time… very, very familiar!!
I’m struggling with negativity as well. I am trying so hard to stop that and shake it off, because it doesn’t make my life any better. I always think I can choose to feel better, bit like your car tow experience cause the stuff that happens just sucks so much, it doesn’t make any sense but to laugh it square in the face.
Hope you’re feeling better soon
xx Ines
October 16, 2009 at 5:29 am
afteriris
Lani, I’m so sorry to here that you’ve been having such a tough time. It sounds like a full rest was desperately needed.
Thinking of you x
October 16, 2009 at 5:42 am
Angie
All of it is so fucking cruel. I am feeling very inarticulate, so I’ll just send some ((hugs)).
October 16, 2009 at 5:55 am
Ezra's Mommy
oh lani, the universe has just not been on your side lately! sending lots of prayers for brighter days ahead. xoxoxo
October 16, 2009 at 9:03 am
Sally
Lani – this just sucks, all of it. I don’t know what else to say. I am so sorry and wishing for a much brighter month ahead with a test that stays positive.
Love you lots. Keep taking good care of yourself. Always here for you.
xo
October 16, 2009 at 9:21 am
Kristina
Hi Lani.
F that pregnancy test! I’m glad you were able to relax for a few days but I’m sorry it was b/c you were sick. You’re recharged and ready to face the world again-that’s good news. Keep on laughing through the hard times-it can’t hurt.
Sending ‘get preggo’ vibes your way. And just good karma vibes in general! You deserve to have some good things come your way for a long time after dealing w/crap after crap for a while now. F8 is just two weeks away-it will be good for the soul!
((HUGS))
Kristina
October 16, 2009 at 10:28 am
Sheri Rouse
Lanie, not to get your hopes up or anything, but I had 4 negative blood tests when I was pregnant with my last after each time taking a home test that was positive. She is now 6.
October 16, 2009 at 11:28 am
sweetsalty kate
I keep thinking, or rather hoping, that a false positive has to at least be indicative of movement, possibility, a flicker.
Also considering that maybe you two need to get bikes. Seriously. I’ve had it with your car luck. Good grief!
xo
October 16, 2009 at 12:01 pm
ilostaworld
Oh, Lani. I hate it that you had such a hard week on top of all you’ve been going through. The pregnancy test was cruel, cruel. I’m hoping that everything looks up, soon.
October 16, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Bluebird
Oh, honey. I’m so sorry
‘Nuff’s enough, isn’t it?
October 16, 2009 at 3:01 pm
TracyOC
I’m so sorry you didn’t get the news you were hoping for and had car trouble on top of that dud of a pregnancy test. Glad you were able to take some time for yourself.
October 16, 2009 at 11:32 pm
Danielle
Oh, damnit, Lani. Just damnit. I am royally pissed at the universe on your behalf, and so sorry that it’s been treating you this badly this week. Hope the days to come bring healing of many kinds.
October 17, 2009 at 12:15 am
Michele
Oh honey, I am so sorry. Sending hugs…
October 19, 2009 at 12:23 am
Childwoman
I am so familiar with taking a break from everything around me. When one thing goes wrong, every thing follows suit, hell knows why? And then snowballs in to one unlucky day, month, year….
When the love of my life slammed the door on my face, I could not accept it for years, at times I still think I am in denial at times. I hated the sunshine, the flowers, songs, laughter and everything else I loved. I just couldnt make my self to feel positive. I cried every minute, every day. Once I was in a meeting at work, and others were looking at me strangely, because there were tears streaming down my face. I didnt even know I was crying. I was in so much of pain and hurt that it was a continous feeling. I forgot what it felt to be happy and in peace. It was a fully paid visit to HELL. And loneliness makes the loudest noise in your head…
When you say that you just want to lie in bed and shut out the world. I understand with all my heart and soul, what you mean.
I know the amount of effort it takes to just put one foot in front of another and get on with the day. Please know that you are not alone. There are some people who understand your pain and anguish. Praying this time of hurt and pain will end for you soon. Sending love and positive thoughts your way Lani.
And BIG KARATE CHOP to Clear Blue EAsy Digital Pregancy test!
October 19, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Marybeth
Well, that just sucks. Good for you for taking some time for yourself. Sorry that it had to be with a stomach bug, but it sounds like it was helpful for you despite that. Hope that you feel a bit recharged. Glad that you are taking care of yourself. I’m hoping for much brighter and easier days ahead for you!
October 20, 2009 at 7:28 am
WG
Those tests are rarely wrong – was it because the fertility drugs were in your system? The pregnancy hormone, hcg, usually isn’t in your urine unless you’re pregnant, so the urine tests usually aren’t positive unless you have at least SOME hcg in your system…or the fertility drugs did it.
If it was that you had some hcg in your system, you could have had a chemical pregnancy, which means at least you can get prego. Did the nurse say what the hcg level was in your blood? If it was over, say, 5 or 7, you may have had a chemical pregnancy, which means you were briefly prego but the egg wasn’t good enough or didn’t implant. Happens to everyone. Or maybe it was just the drugs in your system. Don’t give up – you are on the way!!!
October 20, 2009 at 10:24 am
Sheila
I’m not usually litigious, Lani, but as a lawyer I kind of want to sue that pregnancy test company for inflicting emotional distress. WTF?! that just sucks.
I agree that the occassional flu is a great excuse for shutting down and just letting the body (and mind) rest and recharge in isolation. You guys have had too many additional challenges to deal with — it’s seriously time for some good news to come your way.
About being positive…Barbara Ehrenreich — who is a journalist and author — was just on the daily show talking about her new book, “Bright-Sided” which is about what she calls the “mass delusion of positive thinking.” As a cancer survivor she basically said that the culture of bombarding people with positivity or guilting them into pretending they feel it when they weren’t naturally feeling that way could be damaging (or at the very least annoying). She goes on to talk about how our entire society tends to be unrealistic and how it affects our economic and foreign policies, but the personal stuff struck a chord with me. I hate it even when a stranger tells me to “smile.” Sometimes we need to ride out the negativity and if you feel like it, fully embrace it as a form of relief in the moment. Life is full of surprises and twists and turns… and good things will definetely happen …and celebrations and joy are absolutely a part of your future. But if right now you don’t feel like smiling, you don’t have to. your beautiful smile will show itself naturally soon enough, I have no doubt of that!
Sending you love.
October 20, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Inanna
Oh Lani… that’s awful. We had that “OMG we’re pregnant” followed by “oh crap, no we’re not” few days last month and I don’t wish it on anyone. Ugh. Much love and hugs and healing to you both…
October 21, 2009 at 9:58 am
mom
i just finished reading all of the comments on your latest posting. of course i knew all that happened last week and have been there with you through all of it. i saw some glimmers of positivity peeking through on some of the comments and it gave me some hope for you ….well i always have hope .,..this you know. i agree that sometimes feeling miserable is what you have to do ….it sort of cleanses the soul of some of the pain….as long as you are able to turn the corner and move into the light. and this you do …and do well.
it warms me to see how many people send out their love to you. you are an amazing person and i am proud to call you my daughter. i hope that there will be a day very soon when both you and chris can move forward with joy and all the negativity can dissapate…….someday soon there will be good things to embrace and we will all move from there.
i love you .
….and as far as that nasty stomach virus….well …you know my theory….if you lost weight it cant be ALL bad.
October 27, 2009 at 1:25 pm
sarah
lani i’m sorry you are having such a tough time… im glad you are taking some time for yourself. i’m so looking forward to seeing you guys! love and hugs to you.